I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most
- Kanye West, Runaway
It has been a year. Since I finished my gap year experience, if you will. As I remember, it wasn't the fairy tale that I wanted it to be. It was... bumpy and bittersweet. Sometimes I'd look back and feel so much regret that things didn't go the way I wanted it to. Sometimes I'd remember how magical it was... I never thought I'd ever live that way; it was cold, but I was surrounded by people I had the best time of my life with, who I'd never meet again.
So I returned, and drew again. It just seemed very apparent to me that I should give it one more shot. You can't please everyone. There will always be that one critic. Even if you're doing everything right. Even if you did that one thing wrong. I know I have a long way to go as an artist... Hell, perhaps even as a person. I also do know that there are people out there waiting to see my fail spectacularly. But they are not my harshest critic... I am. It has been a year, and I'm still beating myself up over something that I can never change. Over something that was meant to be an adventure of sorts; what is an adventure, if you could predict, plan and have everything go your way? I don't know what changed; perhaps it is just today. I woke up and looked in the mirror and asked myself to be kinder to him; he has been through so much. I'm never one to celebrate mediocrity; but that was not ordinary. No one else that went on this had an experience similar to mine. I did not follow that pattern. If I could summarize the whole experience into a word, it would be brave. I was the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz. I didn't think I could grow again as a person, but I did. I also didn't think I would be drawing again, after I left my previous position in animation, the one that broke me, but here I am. Drawing again. I am not special; everyone has that inner critic. I will still let it speak, but not dictate my next action. I think I have spent enough time struggling against myself. This is a mess; no one would understand this. But I would, and that is all that matters.